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Tracy
A journey out of darkness
John Cadigan is an artist. He works primarily in woodcuts, usually in black and white. Looking at his strong, intricate prints, it is hard to imagine he has a serious illness. But Cadigan is also a schizophrenic,
a description popularly perceived as wiping out all other possible identities.
Cadigan proves that thinking wrong. Talented and articulate, he leads a productive life with the help of a potent new drug. He is an example of what schizophrenics can accomplish. He is also an example
of the power of medical science--and its limitations.
In his senior year of college, Cadigan, now 26, began developing symptoms. He had paranoid ideas about his professors and his family; eventually, he became afraid to go outside. For the next few years,
he bounced in and out of hospitals, growing steadily sicker, and doctors diagnosed him as suffering from schizoaffective disorder, a form of schizophrenia.
Loud thoughts.
In a documentary, Out of My Mind, made by his filmmaker sister, Katie, during the acute stage of his illness, Cadigan bears little resemblance to the pleasant-mannered man he is now. His voice is flat.
He seldom looks people in the eye. Loud thoughts in his head prevent conversation with others. "You get angry and full of rage," he tells the film's audience. "You want to take revenge." Near the
end of the film, Katie is warned to stay away from her brother: He is having paranoid, violent thoughts about her.
Shortly after the film's last scenes in 1994, Cadigan started taking the drug clozapine, and slowly it turned his life around. Now, he works steadily at his art and lives in a Palo Alto, Calif., boardinghouse
for people with mental illness. His thoughts have quieted. At the opening this month of a show of artworks by the mentally ill, he gave a speech to nearly 100 people--a feat unthinkable a year ago,
says his sister.
Cadigan has not entirely emerged from the darkness of disease. He still has some paranoid thoughts, and he sleeps a lot, perhaps as a side effect of clozapine. Talking about one of his wood blocks, called
Danger Hunter, Cadigan points to two fantastic monsters. "These images [stand] for confusing thoughts, because my mind was really confusing me," he explains. Then he points to a hunterlikefigure
leaping over the monsters' heads. "This figure is supposed to be battling the thoughts," he says. "Hopefully, it's on top of them."--T.W.
Nick
A newsletter subscriber recently asked to hear some success stories so here is mine.
I have been in remission since 1977, except for the time I discontinued my medication in 1984. In the years since, I completed a University degree in computer science and currently hold a job as a computer
programming consultant. Last year I got married.
I have maintained my health on 15mg of Stelazine, supplemented with 2mg Cogentin (for side-effects). At first, I experienced the usual parade of unwanted effects from the Stelazine (including drowsiness,
muscle pain and rigidity and EPS). With time, they lessened considerably and the voices and delusions I experienced faded into the background, sometimes disappearing completely. A regular habit of
moderate exercise certainly helped, although I must admit to feeling the effects of letting my regimen lapse recently.
Why am I so well when others suffer? I am sure this is partly because of my recognition of my illness, which prompts me to keep taking my medication. Research shows that the fewer relapses a person has,
the more successful the prognosis. Of course, I am willing to take the Stelazine because of its relatively few side-effects on me (mainly some extrapyrimidal symptoms and muscular tension). Another
way I keep myself well is by being busy. When I was first diagnosed at age 18, I spent a few months getting used to the medication and then went back to university, albeit with a reduced workload.
In the intervening years, I have taken a number of graduate computer science courses, taken summer jobs and worked my way up to a brown belt in Karate. I have motivated myself to program my computer
at home and to write poetry and short stories.
But which came first? Am I healthy because I try to keep myself busy or am I able to keep myself busy because the medication keeps me healthy? I don't think there is any pat answer to that. I only know
that when I have allowed my life to languish, I have found myself on a slippery slope and need to claw my way back to safety. I don't have much use for psycho-analysis but my friendship with those
who have schizophrenia or other mental illnesses certainly helps keep me grounded. This web site was also a fortunate find. I enjoy hearing hopeful news about treatments, as well as perusing the
discussion groups.
I must admit, I'm not looking forward to growing old with this illness and this medication. However, recent research convinces me that Schizophrenia will be conquered well within my lifetime. People
who are suffering now should be encouraged to 'hang in there' and do what they can to challenge themselves and stay as healthy as possible.
Alison
My illness became apparent when I was about 19 years old. I was depressed as a teenager but didn't have any really psychotic symptoms until I was in my second year university and then I stopped going
to classes and started daydreaming all the time and sleeping all day just waking up for meals. I was living in a fantasy world where I was a super special person and yet I was depressed because I
couldn't fulfill this role as a super special person. One of my girlfriends suggested that, since I was missing classes, I go speak to the women's counselor so I spoke to her and told her my symptoms
and she told me to go see a psychiatrist at the university. I went to see him and I told him all my symptoms: I felt like people started looking like robots to me, my body seemed to be alien matter
to myself, I seemed to be like from outer space somehow. He gave me some pills, some antidepressant pills and some antipsychotic pills but he didn't give me any diagnosis at the time. He just wanted
to see how my illness went on.
This lasted about two years and I was quite suicidal for that period of two years because I didn't know what was going on and I was becoming more and more depressed as I could see my career slipping
away from myself and living in this world that I had created and not having any idea what I was supposed to do with my life at that time and I was very discouraged because nobody gave me any hope.
I ended up in hospital twice while I was actively suicidal and I finally decided that some of the medications weren't working and I thought I would try another approach so I went to an orthomolecular
psychiatrist. He started me on niacin and vitamin C and it's either coincidence or it really worked but for some reason or other I got better within about a month or two and I was no longer depressed.
I stayed on the vitamins for about five years and at that time I wasn't taking any medication at all. I either had a wonderful remission or the vitamins were working. I don't know to this day if
they work but I still take them.
I graduated in 1988 and then the year following I started noticing my depression coming back slowly but surely as I couldn't find a job and I was hanging around my apartment all day. I did find a job
and started working at it part-time but then I started hearing screaming and becoming very agitated for no apparent reason while I was getting ready for work to the point where I couldn't go to work
any longer. I had to leave my job at that point and I went back to a psychiatrist and he started me on Prozac and that helped me a little bit but it didn't help the psychosis part until I ended up
in the hospital another time after I was in a day program, I sort of became catatonic and they started me on haldol. I was on haldol for several months but I had several bad side-effects from that
so I started on loxapine after that and that seemed to work but I was still a little bit suicidal and not really depressed at being suicidal but it was more of an elated feeling where I wanted to
become an angel or something very special again, so the doctor said, "Are you depressed?" and I said, "Not really but I still want to die and I wish God would let me die by some natural cause."
I went to another day program and that helped me quite a bit. I was in that for four months and they taught me how to live on a budget and banking techniques and social assertiveness techniques and I
found that very helpful because that gave me a reason to get up in the morning, even though I couldn't work I could go to this day program. I was in the hospital a few more times because I was suicidal
again, but then one of my doctors left and I had to find another doctor, so I found my present doctor and continued taking the loxapine but then tried risperidone for a few months. That seemed to
work but I seemed to be a bit flat on that so I went back on the loxapine and vitamins and I feel fairly good today. I'm not ready for looking for a job but I may start looking for volunteer work.
At least I have the hope element in my life. I know that all my suffering was for a reason and I have tremendous hope for the future. In the limiting condition that I have I still feel very optimistic
about things and I found out through one of my doctors about financial aid, or GAIN, and that made a tremendous difference because I was not able to work at the time and having the money coming in
allowed me to keep my apartment and I found that very helpful. I have since moved home with my parents because I became too lonely but I look forward to moving out again when I feel a lot better.
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