CONTRIBUTIONS

I am still young, before puberty, I lie in bed and think about life. And then that and then that and then that… And then you die and then… then what? No answer, I panic, what happens then, again no answer, then it dawns on me that this is unknown, I panic, no becomes hysterical, I jump out of bed and drop to the kitchen floor screaming. I cry out. I can't live without knowing what happens next, can't live that all this would be.

This panic attack happened to me twice. Later on, fear and panic attacks were added, among other things due to the fear of going mad, losing my mind, losing control of my own thinking. All crazy ideas arising from the disease schizophrenia. Now I have those (delusional) ideas pretty under control (your mind lives on) and being crazy isn't that crazy after all, although you shouldn't make it too crazy.

I am at Dirk van de Broek's 3-4 times a week to do my shopping, sometimes every day. This week I walked into Dirk, nothing wrong, and at one point my attention was drawn to someone. It was the branch manager whom I greet regularly that caught my attention. Only this time he looked down, he was cleaning the floor, nothing wrong still, I didn't think it was that strange, he was busy with work. When I got home still nothing wrong, groceries unpacked etc. But a few hours later my thoughts go to that moment when my attention was drawn by that branch manager, but I now see the whole situation from above. I see how I look to the right and the branch manager looks at me, so I can't see him, but he can see me. I even hear him mumble "ho" and quickly turn his head back down, whereupon I look to the left and see him standing there working with his head down. So I was able to look at it from a different perspective for a few seconds. How do I get those clear images and even words that I didn't notice at the time. Strange huh. By the way, I think he yelled "ho" because I was in a Dirk van de Broek jacket and had a D van de B bag with me and I might as a little too big D of the B fan saw out.

I do have more flashbacks where I also hear words and help me understand the situation. I'm very happy about that, but am I the only one?