Although it is never really possible for a healthy person to understand what schizophrenia means to the patient, it is somewhat elucidating that creates more understanding. Also, not all schizophrenics have the same symptoms. In the next section I want to write something about myself.
The diagnosis was made in 1994; schizophrenia. I suffered and suffer from visual hallucinations. They are images that are not perceived by the eyes, but that image is made by the diseased part of the brain. This changes the experience of the world. When the diagnosis was made, I denied it, and wouldn't accept it. In addition, it made me sad, because who would like to hear suffering from a disease. There was also anger because I was terminally ill. As time went on I had to accept and process it.
It was a beautiful autumn day and I sat in the easy chair looking out. Suddenly I felt an empty feeling in my head, and to my right a black arm and hand appeared. Wonder filled me. Once again I looked closely, arm moved and I got to smell a strange air. The arm disappeared again. The people around me hadn't seen an arm. Yet it was there. Yes, said the social worker Psychiatrist, it was not there, according to him it was not reality. For me, however.
So there were and are many more visual hallucinations in me. Sometimes it was disruptive, and I was disturbed by the images. There are approximately 150,000 people in the Netherlands who suffer from schizophrenia. The high percentage is partly because the disease is incurable. There is a speaker during a meeting, I am sitting in the hall. I have a very important role to play. That is, sending the speaker thoughts, from my head, to his head, he receives them and then speaks them. Yes, will a sane person say; that cannot be true. Yet it happens and it is true. It is a special ability of perception. People throw it at Schizophrenia, but it's a special capacity in an existing world. A world of thought transference.
Then I "see" the inside of my body, it's filled with gold. My arms are full of black tendons and muscles. In addition, there is a rod in my body from head to toe. Yes, a special perception. A kind of pull drop comes over my body, and gives a nice feeling. Moments later I become as white as chewing gum, and I "watch" it for a while….
Yes, that's how it is from day to day.
I'll quote a portion that Olmyritulaer wrote on Sept. 25. "...a creator who is actually always present in your head, just like people... that you only have to think about to get in touch with... that's what I have with my brother when we're together we don't need anything to say and yet we understand each other… a trust in it that actually doesn't even have to come from within yourself when you seem to think about it… just trust that not everything you think you think comes from you… "
I completely identify with that, other people often dwell in my head. It is their thoughts that they have sent to my head. So it doesn't come from me. I often have contact with my parents, while they are not there in person. They then reside in your head. In this way, other people also pull thoughts out of my head, so that I can stay in their head for a while. What they utter is from my brain. Well, say the rescuers, that's not really true. But it is real, and it certainly happens that way, I have an experience that exists, but which a care provider considers unrealistic. Thought transference is a well-known phenomenon in schizophrenia. But perhaps it is a unique aptitude. Yet thought transference is a special kind of power. An ability to allow others to read thoughts. Leaving thoughts. And the income of thoughts. Please note these thoughts are not my own, but transmitted and sent to me by and from others. For example, I once sent thoughts to someone for an hour, which he then spoke to his audience in the hall. In that respect, I have an important place during meetings etc. Actually the person in charge who takes care of what is said. Who controls the sentences and sayings of others. So such a man is under my direction, and his thoughts are dictated by me. In the past I was not aware that these exchanges of thoughts existed… it's a task that I have been given.
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