I walk through a hardware store in a bad mood. I see a small child in a cart, being pushed by his mother. I think: what an ugly face you have. Then the boy coughs simultaneously. Well, he didn't want that thought! And I was happy and thought: what an asshole I am. That's my idiotic interpretation of a cough. Relationship ideas and thought transference. It must actually be a coincidence. Suddenly I also see a dangerous side. And at the same time an enormous vulnerable side, that I have it while I cannot solve it. I can usually grasp such a thought and look at it from the outside and see that it is not right. But what if that didn't work. I can imagine that eventuality too. The thought shown to me by the relationship idea was that I was (for a moment) an asshole. Actually, that's nothing more than a thought of my own that may be coming from my subconscious. It was a thought or insight that did me good. I believe it’s called purification. Looking for self-esteem and validation, the rotten side of myself must also be included. Only then can there be a balanced self-image. An unbalanced self-image is a hallmark of Borderline, I've read. That fits exactly into the picture. And I also have hopes that my self-image can improve as I continue to search. And as it becomes more balanced, the borderline symptoms will probably get easier.
I look out the window and see a dog walking. I think: now let's see if my thoughts come across. I'm going to test it. I'm going to think angry, because then he has to react. I look at the dog and think: pleurishondje!! No reaction. I think: now lift your head, you bastard. Response: just browse. And now go the other way! Nada nothing. And luckily too. I had to laugh a little that it doesn't work. I think Ben Laden and hocus pocus I think, "FALL DEATH" I guess I don't have to turn on CNN right away for the biggest news of this year. I also don't think he will state in an interview on the Arab news channel that on Sunday evening at 11:30 pm Western European time he got the thought "FALL DEATH" with the chime. I don't think he's being bombed like this, not even three hundred million FU** YOU's from America. I think Allah would have been the very first to prevent his call with "GO AHEAD". My little Bennie boy, look again in chapter 1 of the Quran, that one shall not kill. Even Allah apparently can't do it, and if he can't!!!!!!!!!…
I have given here two examples that are not so positive. I've especially had it a few times in the past, but often much more innocent or even funny or wonderful. J. and Olmyritulaer also report other ways. I may be pushing it to the limit. I've been on the brink of ranting (or beating?) at a time when relational ideas dominated me much more. I've always been able to hold back. Perhaps this letter will help me warn myself. I'm ashamed, too, about those moments of hostility and weirdness. But I do it without wanting to, without knowing why and how to solve it. And all experts likewise, they can only help search. I think almost with certainty that my friends will describe me as more peaceful than average. I also wanted to be included. And then comes the next thing that sometimes makes me distraught, because the source or the cause is difficult (barely, impossible?) to solve by the professionals. They did give me the insight of the Borderline outage through a book. And that does help to explain and to find peace.
That was a piece of self-explanation, because I thought a lot of healthy people would read this. I almost felt or heard their startled thoughts and comments, I want to defend myself. I almost write in response to voices in my head. Is that again a relationship idea and does the disease penetrate my deepest fibers? Or is it a bit of explainable idea, a bit of logic and a bit of normal empathy that frightens me. I wanted to be honest, the attempt leads me to fear that people will think about it with dismay and derision. I just hope those people don't judge me too easily and will see that the moments of frenzy are very rare, like the pressure relief valve of a psychiatric illness with sides that are hard to bear. So there is much more to it. I explain it this way. But if I were to hit, that would be unacceptable.
Damn I'm getting really anxious, it seems like thoughts of other people want to push me into the corner. I know I'm working on it with all my might. Jacket! The thoughts that go through my mind, especially next to my writing, were very difficult. And I'll leave it at this for a moment. Is there anyone who would like to join? † Perhaps there is something resolving in this for me and others, or at least the beginning of a road there. For example, that the "critical voices in my head" indicate to me a kind of hypersensitivity on the one hand and real denied value on the other. I do see something in those backgrounds, it's something like a very deep human development problem. And if there is a development problem, I believe there are bound to be solutions.
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