CONTRIBUTIONS

As a child I already had my own ideas and saw things that others did not. This was dismissed as fantasy. So it didn't really bother me. In my adolescence it became different, people always said: you always have something, but the things I told regularly came true and people said to me, you're right. This was very confusing for me at times and I really wanted to become "normal". This was the beginning that I completely lost track of myself. In the end I went to the doctor and told them I was wrong, because no matter how hard I tried, I had no grip on this society and people thought I was a scary slippery one, which is incomprehensible. And I was very unhappy myself. I was forwarded and soon all kinds of reports were being made and old files were collected from my primary school. (I was not aware of this at the time) I was labeled schizophrenia. I would be emotionally flat so latently autistic. Furthermore, I struggled to give meaning to images, so I could not find order in myself (completely chaotic) and hallucinations

There were more things like that, but especially the delusions or hallucinations as it was said. In addition to some conversations, I was also given medication, first oxazepam, later anafrile. In short, I became completely flat in behavior, but the world understood me again. And that's what it was about (I thought at the time). What I experienced was that when I touched myself that I had to feel very well whether I could feel myself, I regularly got the idea that I was just walking next to myself. During this period I was psychotic for the first time. I was in my early twenties and I hadn't worked that long, then I was out of the running for a long time. I don't have to tell anyone who knows what it is in which hell you live, so I don't have to tell you about that. What I do find, however, is that many things just really happened in my experience and I would be lying if I say that things don't happen anymore. I won't doubt this either.

One day we (my husband and I) came into contact with a man, who told me that I was not crazy. I had not told anything about myself and he told me what I was experiencing and that I had to stop taking medication. I was completely overwhelmed, who was this person, what was he doing, but above all, what did he know about me? He was supposedly paranormal. (I never doubted this, because I didn't know him) I threw away my meds that day. I must say this is not recommended. Ha-ha. Those votes! It was horrible. But I could resist them. I kept saying to myself, these are entities (ghosts) and I can hear them, so I'm not. The therapist did not agree with this, so I put that aside as well. Actually, I now understand that this was my first resistance. But also a constructive story to help myself even more into destruction. The man had said, I can't help you, but you can always call me. So I plunged into the world of the paranormal. Less than a year later we had met a woman who pretended to be the world liberator. She said I had a job in that too, but first I had to find out what my past lives were and she would tell me. I believed her, but it was only lives in which I had done things somewhere. So much so that I had participated in the crucifixion of Jesus, so now I had to make up for it. (This is her story, not mine) One day she decided to hold a so-called séance. This literally means “calling up spirits”. My husband had read books about it and saw it as an adventure. I didn't want this, but I went with him because of him. I went through terrible things that night and from then on I was in a real psychosis. I was harassed by what I call demons. These are real in my memory. Even though I can't prove to anyone that I saw them. But I fought back.

This leads to total exhaustion after 3 years of fighting. I understood that I needed help. I cried out to God to destroy me because I didn't want to go on like this and I was convinced that after my death I would come into darkness because I was evil. So destruction seemed like the best solution. At that moment a miracle happened. In addition to all those demons, I suddenly got a light being next to me. This one told about Love and what Love was like. He told me I would get help. And again I met someone, who helped me enormously, who put down a suggestion to me, by going along with the story took the demons away from me. (This is also a psychic) I also found it strange that he could describe exactly what I saw, without me having told him. (I only told I was being harassed) He finally said to me, I sent them away, with the help of the light beings, if they still bother you now, it's your own delusions of fear. Finally I could breathe again, because a burden had been lifted off me, but actually I was back to square one, because I stood there alone, again with myself and my own world, which no one understood. Then I started writing, writing a lot about how I experienced things and where my struggle was, including poems that actually helped me clean up. In the meantime I had started working at the then PTT, because I could no longer enjoy the spring, as I always had. This was completely gone. And I wanted this little life happiness back again. From that time on I also started to delve into what fear was, how it arises. I found out that everything had to do with how you saw things, so your perception and the defense mechanisms that humanity used to give itself a place, but through which they could hurt another person enormously (soul pain) Because someone in total rejected and not recognized when it happens to you. So all I had to do was give this pain experience a place so that it would become an experience and if it happened to me again I could recognize it and say this is not mine, this is a defense from another human being damaged in this as well. I also found out that it has a lot to do with the way you look at the world. Everyone sees things from their own perspective. There's no right or wrong with that. I didn't have this wisdom (if you can call it that) from myself, but this is what the light being told me. This one started to explain me more and more (in professional terms this is called positive hallucinations) but that doesn't matter to me, because I started to believe in myself again. But that made me proud. The funny thing about everything is that this pride, too, was eventually examined by the being of light. I was a human being, that's all and that was the place in the eternal now that I now occupied. Nothing end time, nothing a task for humanity. As that woman had told me. The job of every human being is to be there for another person who is in need. In addition, you get your baggage, in which you gain experience and if you come across a person with the same problems, you can tell how you experienced it, so that someone else can find handles in it, to start fighting for themselves and not to succumb to the tragedy of trauma. So in other words, I didn't have the wisdom and rent. I am a person with a story and with that I am now in this world.

The story seems quite surreal and I can understand if someone says these are hallucinations, but to me the story means a lot. Because it's just my world. I have no therapy and I do not take medication. I remain calm in moments of stress because I have learned to put things into perspective through these periods. People in my environment often say, with her you don't heat up the stove so quickly and you can say anything, she has no judgement. But if you ask for an opinion, you get it, I don't give plasters, but dignity, because every person deserves that.

My motto is, fight for yourself. It's your life. You are a worthy person. I do not accept a negative self-image, for it is not you who are wrong, but the world that is judging you wrong. Make sure you don't make these your own. Because it doesn't matter if you see things that aren't there or that someone else doesn't see. How you wear it outside varies from person to person. (I am aware that there are also people who have ended up in this circuit through drug use. I cannot talk to you about this. I have the impression that this is something different than what I have had. Also the fears won't be much different)

Once I got to the point that I got another job and started doing training again, in order to create something in this world. I got my hands on the booklet “Veronica decides to die (Paulo Coelho) in the library. I advise anyone who is playing around with themselves like this and can't see any light anymore, to read this one. The message is, go live, people go live. Experience everything to the fullest. Don't regret the things you've done. Don't be held back because someone else thinks something is inappropriate. Because then you shut out your own heart. Unconsciously or consciously, every person knows what is really not appropriate, but the norm of society has itself forgotten what it is to make a person feel, a person. And in my view that is the biggest cause of mental illness. (Of course you have to have talent)

The little things bring the greatest happiness and often this lies in the simplicity. For example, a pleasant evening with a good friend or the first ray of sunshine after a rainy day. You have to start seeing these blessings again and counting them. So that life will have meaning again.

The fact that I can keep up with it now requires a lot of maintenance at times. It's not like a broken leg. This one healed after six weeks. No, it's something you know about yourself and you know when things go wrong. You have had many signs for that. Furthermore, I am now on tai-chi. This is a Chinese martial art, which focuses on meditative movement experience. This gives me a lot of peace and relaxation. Once again I want to emphasize, it is not bad to have your own experience. Many people are too caught up in their own patterns and cannot have your experience with them. That's all.